On Sat, 2 Dec 2000, john wrote:

> and is this for off-road use, or just another fucking gas-guzzling
> fuck-passenger-cars-because-i'm-bigger too-fucking-bad-if-i-park-badly
> death trap?

Amen. I'm really tired of looking in the rearview mirror and seeing nothing but the front grill of some enormous ornamented SUV, driven by a soccer-mom with one hand holding a cellphone and one finger on the wheel. The worst ones are the Excursion, Navigator, and Escalade. The Lexus is right up there for pretentious, but at least it's smaller than a goddamned dumptruck. I've especially loved turning on the news lately and seeing all those pieces of shit upsidedown in the snow as their owners learn that cheap four-wheel drive is no substitute for good driving.

We went out to lunch last week and had to squeeze into the half-of-a-parking-space left between an Expedition and a Mercedes SUV. In fact, the entire goddamned row was all SUVs, each crammed into a space labeled "compact". And every one of them was factory fresh. I just love seeing those high-end behemoths with light-guards, roof racks, and a tow winch, even though the things have never been off the asphalt. Not even a scuff on the bumper. And they've got GPS systems in the dashboard so these pricks can find their way to the fucking mall. Too bad it doesn't switch off the turn signal for them.

Most people driving these gilded SUVs are just wallowing in pompous, narcissistic displays of ego. The real reason these things are so popular is that SUVs are nothing more than the adult equivalent of $140 Nike sneakers. They're an obscene and pretentious display of status for the lemmings who buy them. I'd really rather these assholes just glue diamonds to the hood of a sedan. There'd be less smog in the air and I could still know they're rich without the necessity of an intimate experience with my gearshift, as I crawl back in the passenger side of my car, because some asshole took half of my parking space for his Ford Fatass.

"But that's just my opinion. I could be wrong."</Dennis Miller>

First off, the page you read was a rant. It was meant to be over the top, and I wrote it primarily to be entertaining. But at heart, it is also what I believe. A good rant has a kernel of truth to it, otherwise it's just whining. I don't really have a complaint against the people who actually need an SUV. It's just that I believe that to be a very small percentage of those people who drive them. SUVs have somehow become the status symbols for the latest round of American conspicuous consumption. "Mine's bigger than yours" is the message.

And you hit on my main compliant when you said had to have a SUV because you "just can't" drive a minivan.

Why?

Is it because minivans are uncool? The automakers have worked hard to convince you of that. They run ads showing a rugged looking guy being embarassed by the fact that he drives a tan minivan.

Is it because minivans don't tower over other cars on the road and because they don't intimidate other drivers? The automakers have worked hard to sell this too, subtly showing people in lesser cars having trouble seeing and somehow looking like the guy in highschool that always got beat up. The message is that the in-crowd drives SUVs.

Is it because you've bought into the myth that SUVs are safer? They're not. The automakers have worked hard to convince you of this too, showing SUVs handling rugged conditions and looking so much like an impregnable fortress. Sure in a low speed accident you'll most likely do lots of damage to whatever you hit, but the truth is SUVs are much less safe in a serious accident. In order to be off-road worthy you need a stiff frame. This absorbs far less energy in an impact compared to a modern car's unibody construction with crumple zones. And the best way to survive an accident is to avoid it. SUVs have poor handling at highway speeds, long breaking distances, and a high center of gravity. Ford blamed Firestone for all those deaths. Yes the tires were defective, but blowouts are usually survivable. But when it happens on a massive and high-centered vehicle like an Explorer the odds of you finding yourself upside down in a ditch are much higher. Especially when the driver is not taking the characteristics of the vehicle into account and is trying to drive it like a sedan.

The truth is that SUVs, at least the good ones, are optimized for off-road use. If you're driving it on the highway 98% of the time, you're misusing it.

So why do automakers work so hard to convince everyone they need an SUV? Simple. They make lots of money. If I recall correctly, the numbers I saw for 1999 were that among the big-3 American automakers SUVs accounted for about 15% of the sales and about 60% of the profit. In other words, the margin is a lot higher on SUVs and they make more money if you buy them. It's in their interest, therefore, to convince you that you need one.

Automakers have keyed into the longing of a generation of couch-potatoes. Telling us overweight masses with piles of unused excercise equipment in the garage, that if only we had an SUV we'd be out there on the mountaintop free-hand climbing. It's crap. And remember that if you do get out to the great outdoors, while you're there your SUV is spewing out two times the pollution of an average car. That's because the automakers have successfully lobbied Congress to keep treating SUVs as 'trucks' even though they've become the station wagon of the 21st century.

I'm not here to tell anyone what choices they should make. I only ask that you think about your reasons. Are you buying an SUV because it's the best vehicle for you, or because Dahlmer-Chrysler has convinced you you'll look good in it? If you're actually going to take it offroad, and that doesn't mean one trip to Tahoe in the summer, then go for it. If you're going to drive it mostly on the road you're far better off with a AWD minivan or station wagon. They'll tow your boat just fine and they're a hell of a lot safer and easier on the environment in the bargin. Just ask yourself if your image is really more important to you than your kid's future.

-D